uitwaaien

(v) to take a break, to clear one's head; "to walk in the wind."

Month: August, 2015

A Worrier; A Warrior

I swear I tried to stop myself but I’m sorry I couldn’t and I’m not even sure who I am apologizing to anymore. Is it to you who knew that I was stronger than I was or is it to myself who knew that I had the strength to not give in but did. I’m sorry you had to see me that way. I knew you didn’t want to hurt me but somehow your words stinged my face like a blaring sunlight and I couldn’t look at you anymore. Before I knew it, all the tears I tried to hold back began to stream out and I looked pathetic when I couldn’t breathe– voice soft and shaking when I spoke, but I swear I tried to be strong. My head was spinning with all the things you were trying to tell me. I couldn’t think straight. I tried to focus but all your words were floating around in front of me in a haze. You told me to take deep breaths and I was able to calm myself down when I closed my eyes and inhaled. I wanted time to move faster. I wanted to get it over with but it was hard and I was scared of letting you and I down. It felt like a long time but I got through it. I felt so embarrassed after that I didn’t want people asking if I was okay or even looking at me– cheeks once wet with tears and eyes that cried out of despair.

I admire myself for my optimism though. I would have beaten myself up over something of little matter but here I am, okay. I am okay and I know I will be okay. I know now that I aren’t as strong as I fake myself to believe but I also know now that I am stronger. Thank you for not giving up on me.

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Breathe Through the Evening

It was 10:30 PM and I ran away from home-

Away from all the screaming voices,

Away from all the rocks thrown at me until persecution,

Away from all the pain and judgement,

Away from all my wounds.

 

I wanted to go far.

I wanted to find a place where I could lie on some grass and look at the stars.

I wanted to breathe in nature

And remember I was still alive and that I have survived.

I wanted to forget people existed

And it was just me against the world.

 

But instead, you found me crying underneath a lamp post.

And no, I didn’t get to run very far.

I kept breaking down just as my heart did.

You didn’t ask why but I wanted to tell you everything

Because for the first time tonight,

I was with someone who didn’t carry knives.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t tell you why I was breaking down.

My words kept choking on my thoughts.

 

But you kissed my tears away anyway

And slowly I felt a glimpse of hope grow inside my eyes when I remembered you existed.

My hair was damp with tears and you smoothed it away behind my ears.

You smoothed this pain behind me and we sat underneath that lamp post in silence.

We looked at the stars.

And I thanked the heavens above us when I remembered how saints were too once people.

You took my hand and then suddenly,

We were connected with those constellations.

And then suddenly,

The universe was in our palms

And then suddenly,

I felt whole again.

 

You handed me the world

When I thought I couldn’t live in it anymore.

We could have moved mountains with our touch when in fact a moment ago, I was vulnerable.

But all was better now.

When you had brought me life again. Read the rest of this entry »