I swear I tried to stop myself but I’m sorry I couldn’t and I’m not even sure who I am apologizing to anymore. Is it to you who knew that I was stronger than I was or is it to myself who knew that I had the strength to not give in but did. I’m sorry you had to see me that way. I knew you didn’t want to hurt me but somehow your words stinged my face like a blaring sunlight and I couldn’t look at you anymore. Before I knew it, all the tears I tried to hold back began to stream out and I looked pathetic when I couldn’t breathe– voice soft and shaking when I spoke, but I swear I tried to be strong. My head was spinning with all the things you were trying to tell me. I couldn’t think straight. I tried to focus but all your words were floating around in front of me in a haze. You told me to take deep breaths and I was able to calm myself down when I closed my eyes and inhaled. I wanted time to move faster. I wanted to get it over with but it was hard and I was scared of letting you and I down. It felt like a long time but I got through it. I felt so embarrassed after that I didn’t want people asking if I was okay or even looking at me– cheeks once wet with tears and eyes that cried out of despair.
I admire myself for my optimism though. I would have beaten myself up over something of little matter but here I am, okay. I am okay and I know I will be okay. I know now that I aren’t as strong as I fake myself to believe but I also know now that I am stronger. Thank you for not giving up on me.