uitwaaien

(v) to take a break, to clear one's head; "to walk in the wind."

“Wishful Wednesdays”

An old lady came over to your house every Wednesday. Wednesdays were when I would sit down on my front porch and hear misplayed piano keys and frustrated groans coming from your living room. It’s already the 10th Wednesday of the year; and I have heard the same Titanic piece being played over and over again but you still never got it right. Darling, you kept forgetting that you don’t hit that E note once. It’s twice. I wish I could run over there and guide your fingers to perfection but the best I could do was admire your beautiful mistakes from a distance.

Whenever I would hear footsteps walking down your front door, I’d rush inside my house and watch from outside my window as you said goodbye to your teacher. She must have had experience on a lot of children or grandchildren because I don’t think anyone would have that much patience to try and teach you piano. It still makes me laugh how your mother made you take up piano after your great grandfather because everybody knows that you would die trying to play even just the triangle. You were never a musician, just very athletic.You always look like you did a 10K run after every piano session when in reality, your track practice was only on Fridays. Your weariness never stopped you from waving back with a smile and I always admired how you were like that around people. You walked back inside your house and I pulled down my curtains as I wondered why I knew so much about you, when I never found the courage to be friends with you.

An Excerpt from a Story I’ve Never Written

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“Intersections”

Before

Hand-in-hand we walked together down the block. I felt safe like this. It felt safe like this. There was a difference between being together and being together. And I was lucky that with you, I had both. We were about to cross the pedestrian when you stopped abruptly. I didn’t know why. I squinted my eyes and my gaze was fixed on someone across the street. A brunette with ratty hair and skinny jeans. I looked up at you knowingly. But your stare was straight ahead.

A slight smile spread across your face and for some reason, you looked relax. It was that look– probably that feeling, you got when you’re dreading a text, an email, from someone important to you. You wait even longer; and the dreadful feelings continue getting stronger. But then the other person replies. And you sigh with relief as your face slowly turns calm. It was like carrying a huge boulder on your back, and that person carefully lifting it off of you. Because you know that with that reply; everything is all good now. Everything is okay.

“Hey,” you said. “I know her!”

And I always wondered why you stopped for her and why you smiled for her and why you didn’t say “I knew her.”

After

Months have passed and people still ask me if I still love you. Every time I get asked this question, a thousand memories flash before me in a millisecond. It was like flipping through old photo albums in fast-paced. And then suddenly, I remembered us. Our memories like a montage etched at the back of my mind. But regardless of everything, I always know how to respond. Reality hurts you, I know. I’m sorry. But it is what is true. It’s always been “I did.”

You broke my heart and yet you still wonder why I no longer say “I do.”

– An Excerpt from a Story I’ve Never Written

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Yesterday’s Feelings

You gave me a different kind of summer that day. That time. We weren’t how we were like before.

Did you ever notice? Or did you simply just not care?

I remember sitting down next to you on a small couch in a renovated basement with a couple other people. It was cramped, but I didn’t mind, if it meant sitting closer to you. We watched old cartoons probably from the mid-1900’s and a few terrible movies from the later years. I remember how we couldn’t help but laugh and make vulgar jokes from time to time as we kept watching. I remember how your face lit up when you guffawed over a witty remark I made. We laughed so hard our stomachs started hurting. And even though the other kids were too little to understand our somewhat suggestive banters, we shrugged them off anyway and continued at our own distance.

We calmed down a few moments after and you rested your head upon my shoulder. It used to be small moments like this that got me so worked up on you. I remember how I always felt electricity whenever your skin brushed against mine, even if it was just for an almost second. You layed your arm on my lap and I don’t think you had any idea how much I wanted to hold to your hand and remember all the feelings I tried to suppress. All I ever wanted was inches in front of me and all I had to do was reach out and grab for it. But I didn’t. I knew I couldn’t. I knew you didn’t love me the same way. Not anymore. Or maybe, not even ever.

It’s sad to think that this has probably been my favorite moment from us last year. That time. We used to consist of so much more. But you see, I don’t think being the reason behind someone else’s smile could ever compare. It wasn’t even just anybody. It was you who I made happy. And that’s what made it so special. You were so special. I’m not sure what ever happened to us, but you are my least favorite-best memory. And that’s all we’ll ever be now– a beautifully tragic memory. Read the rest of this entry »

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I Guess It’s Over

“Happy Sweet 16th!” they said.

But how come sixteen isn’t all that sweet.

It’s more like bitterness from my thoughts,

And sourness from your ‘love’.

And I wish I was 9 again–

Thinking and believing that sixteen would be a dream;

A dream I lived now that was more of a nightmare.

16 was the age when all of it came to an end.

When I realized happily ever afters did not exist in this princess’ fairy tale.

I didn’t think this day would come so soon.

I’ve always wished that I could be that princess for you.

You have no idea.

To me, you were worth more than diamonds on my crown

And stacks of gold bars treasured in a vault.

I don’t think anybody has ever loved you the way I did.

And there you are–

Riding on a horse with your hair in the wind

And arms wrapped around your waist

By another girl

On the back seat.

And suddenly I no longer feel like a princess,

But rather the dirt being galloped upon

By you and her.

I’d search lands for another Prince Charming.

But I know in my heart that I was never really a princess.

I was only a damsel in distress–

Locked up in a castle,

Years waiting and waiting to be rescued

By someone

Who turns out

To not be you.
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Wish You Hadn’t Started

I was the young budding rose once beautiful.

Sprinkled down and cared by the droplets from your rain cloud.

You helped me grow.

You grew with me.

I changed because of your sunlight,

Your soil that grounded me down.

You were the oxygen I took in,

Gentle breezes that touched me softly.

Now that days have gone

And I have grown.

I made fingers bleed by anyone who picked near.

Fooled fraud beauty–

Didn’t they see that I had thorns?

Petals unfurling,

I am wilting.

No longer taken care of by the one who cared for the most.

Day by day.

Almost turned grey and dead.

So much growth and beauty squandered.

Why did you have to stop watering me?

If only you never stopped caring for me.

Game Over, We Lose.

I am mad at myself.

You gave me a hundred reasons to not like you,

But somehow I still found beauty 

In this wall you built between us;

With all the secrets behind the bricks. 

I counted the years like prison tallies.

And when my time was up,

I still have not escaped.

I am still in the same prison cell-

Behind the bars you put me in.

We were what almost been.

And now you are my what could have been,

Because I am giving up on you.

And I don’t know how I could do that-

How I could love someone so much for so long

Only to walk away.

But then I look at you.

And now I understand.

I know we never said it,

But I know you must have felt something. Anything.

You see,

I know you are that quiet kid at the back of the classroom.

I know you do not get noticed a lot.

Or as much as you think.

I know you spend late nights having parties

Alone

In the silence of your room

With a video game in your hand

And voices pounding, saying

You aren’t good enough.

I know you’re a hopeless romantic

And you dream of being dreamed by someone else.

But did you not realize that you were my dream?

 

If only you knew the secrets behind this wall you built up.

I wish I hadn’t been so scared to break it down.

I wish you hadn’t been such a coward.

And now look at us.

So much love

Wasted. Gone.

All because of our walls.

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I

When a mirror falls and shatters, it will always remain shattered. No matter how hard you try to put it’s pieces back together, no matter how hard you try to fix it, the cracks will always be there. It would always look like a broken mirror whole. And now I understand. I always try so hard to move on. I try so hard to forget you. I tried everything I could think of. And I’m still not over everything. I wish I had not fallen so hard. I wish I had not broken into pieces so small I could not even feel sometimes anymore. I wish I had not shattered because of you. And I know now I’ll always be this way– pieces put together with cracks that cut through. I will always be that broken mirror whole.

Wasted Pennies Thrown In Wells

If I could store my prayers in jars like fireflies–

If I could show you how much I wanted you,

How much I wished for you,

How much I loved you,

Maybe you’d understand

Why the fireflies beamed brighter

Than stars in evening skies

Because all I wanted was for you

To want me 

Like I

Wanted you.

New Beginnings

The sun was gone.

And we were stars in the dark

That shined in neon lights

And boundless feelings

Of carefree raised hands.

Losing themselves to the permissible poison

That slid down their throats.

 

I don’t know if I was lost in the clouds because

Of the heavy smoke that filled the room,

Or the sea of people I drowned in

Searching for you.

 

Dancing under the moonlight

With strangers of another kind,

Whose hands ran down my sides

Like wandering children without a map.

 

I’m sorry I pushed them away.

I just wanted to be explored

With someone of a genuine desire

For wanderlust.

 

The clock strikes eleven p.m.

Shooting stars flamed passed me

And I did not get the kiss of cliche teenage love songs.

But that’s alright;

Because the wolf still looked up to the gleaming full moon,

And howled loudly for me anyway.

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